Outcomes of a break up

She said to me today that I’m a whole different me than I used to be, back then. I work more on my projects, I put more love into them, I am more confident, I feel more free, I am happier.

Even though it feels nice to hear her saying that and I guess it’s still surprising me, to hear that from HER, deep down I know it’s true without anybody else telling me.  I know I am happier, I can feel it. And I never ask myself why, because, well, I guess I’m trying to avoid this answer. Because deep down, I know, without anybody telling me, I know it’s because you left. And it’s so hard for me to actually admit that.

All those months without you, in a certain way, they made me a weaker person. Because of my constant wondering, my constant questions about you, how is your life, in what country are you now, did you meet a new girl, did you forget about me? All those months, they simply tortured me like hell because of my stupid concerns and my stupid thoughts and doubts, because of my stupid search of the old you, the old us, in every new thing that appeared in my way. Because I couldn’t date anybody new, since all of them were 10 times stupider than you or worse dressed than you or less funny than you...basically not you. Because I kept shutting myself off from everything that was not the same as it was back then and when I wasn’t shutting myself it was because I was opening myself again for the same wounds- going through old photos, videos, texts.
 Going through everything that belonged to my past me and I couldn’t dare to admit it: the past me was way too far away to catch.

Cause what I didn’t realize though, was that when I was looking back at that past me, past us, desperately trying to hold on to every detail , even though, as I said, it was soooo far away....what I didn’t realize was that because of that stupid past me, I kept my eyes shut the whole time I was becoming the new me. I just woke up a new me and I missed the whole process.

I guess while on one side I was still tagging myself as “brokenhearted and sad”, on the other side I was diving all of my  “new-me-in-progress”  into work, with all my heart (“or what was left of it”) because what else could I be doing? I was hating too much on every guy to put my focus into that so I guess this was the only way I could “get hooked” on something else. And results started showing up indeed.

I became- from the skipping class to be with you, skipping friends to be with your friends, skipping homework to watch American football with you which I didn’t even fucking like, or understand, and the fact that you kept screaming GO BEARS in my living room didn’t make me like it better  – I became from a “You’re never going to pass this year” to a “You’re nothing like you used to be. You changed 180 degrees. I am proud of you.”

I remembered a few days ago, when you posted that photo of you and your ex in Spain, I remembered you promised me in February that you are going to take ME to Spain. And I was really looking forward to that, given the fact that I may never see you again in my life, even though I kept hoping that I will. I just knew you were the one for me. The One.

And here we are, 4 months later, you with your ex in Spain and me crying again because of what an asshole you are, and I couldn’t help but wonder “if I was thinking since December, that you were The One for me,  that our roads are going to cross one day and we will meet again and everything will be wonderful, if I’m thinking that, what about the girl that was before me?? The one you left even more broken hearted than you left me? On a continent even further away than the one you left me on?

What about her? You can’t possibly tell me that she doesn’t think you are The One for her, you’ve even been together for a longer time than we did.”

So here we were, 4 months ago, me perfectly happy with you, and she, broken hearted somewhere in Asia, seeing photos with me on Instagram and crying because of what an asshole you are, but thinking that your roads will cross again, KNOWING that you are The One.

Fast forward 4 months? I guess we all know the story don’t we?

So then if we, two girls, living on two different continents, totally strangers to one another until you showed up and we developed this huge HATE for one another- if we both had the same fucking dream, the same prince charming, the same ONE, then which one is going to win? Who even makes the rules to this game? And what exactly is the prize, you???

So again, back to square 1, me as I am right now. Confident, content, full of passion, happy. Me better after you left. Me better than I’ve actually been my whole life. Me being who I always wanted to be.  And  I am still asking myself what is the prize??

The prize is not you, fucking asshole. It never was. The prize was just finding out who I am and who I want to be.

I don’t know about her prize. Maybe it is actually you. But wouldn’t that be a little sad?