What happens after hitting Delete

Today  I deleted by mistake all my text messages with you. I was shocked for a second, not knowing if I should feel something about that or not. Afterwards, I just became very sad. I realized that the last piece of you was finally gone. You have been gone for two months already. Your toothbrush and your towel also left immediately. Your Netflix account followed, the bottles of wine and the Nutella jar you bought, every trace of you, everything disappeared so fast it left me naked here in my own home, the home I used to no longer call home. All I was left with were the few photos we took and all the text messages. The “order pizza on your way”, the “I missed you today”, the “where should we go this weekend?”, the “I wish I was in bed with you” all those words that sound so empty but for me they used to be the world.

And today, that world, our world, vanished. Completely.

We don’t talk anymore. You don’t say you miss me anymore, I no longer say I miss you too. Even though I do, baby, so much. I used to find comfort in those stupid old messages, it was my way of going back, my way of bringing you back. I loved reliving everything even though it was such a bad idea and I knew that and I regretted it every single time. But God, it was my heroin.  It was you.

And today, you vanished. Completely.

I realized, though: maybe it wasn’t even them. The messages, or the wine bottles, or the toothbrush. Maybe it wasn’t the fact that you left traces, which I kept following like a lost puppy, hoping I’ll find you again. Maybe it was me, actually, I’m sure it was me. I was the one that overthought everything that happened. I was the one that re-read the “I missed you today” so many times it started to feel like you just wrote it. I was the one that lived our story twice, once when it happened, the second time after you left, I was the one that made me fall in love two times harder, I was the one that broke my heart in the end.  Because I didn’t know where to stop the script. Actually I did, but I couldn’t. You were my heroin.

And we all know what happens when overdosing.

I lost me.

Today, a part of me vanished. The last part with you in it.

And if that’s what it takes in order to bring me back, the old me, then I’m more than willing to let it go.

Today I deleted all my past with you. And it wasn’t by mistake. It was letting go.